


thanks for the memories

by shutuprat (flannelking)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, 2009!phan, Canon Compliant, Dan's still together with his ex-girlfriend in the beginning but don't worry, F/M, Getting Together, High School Student Dan Howell, M/M, ends with dan and phil getting together, he'll get together with Phil, starts before dan's graduation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-20 04:38:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14253192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flannelking/pseuds/shutuprat
Summary: The last few weeks before the end of 6th form are weird. The typical summer lethargy has started, and most teachers have either given up trying to teach them anything or decided to cram all the material they should have covered by now - but didn’t - into the last three weeks. Dan’s classmates are a little bit less shitty than before, but only because they are too busy revising for their A-levels (or celebrating said revising with a pint or five) to bother with pushing a gangly 17-year-old into lockers or screaming “faggot” in his ear.Dan Howell is only weeks away from his high school graduation. Between procrastination and his failing relationship with his girlfriend, he's also trying his best to get noticed by his YouTube crush AmazingPhil.2009!phan, canon-compliant.





	1. Chapter 1

Right now, Dan really feels peaceful. He’s sitting in the sun at the garden table, an old Fall Out Boy record playing through his laptop speakers. Bangy, the family dog, is sleeping to his bare feet, and the only thing that disturbs Dan’s current peace is the open geography book on the table. His final, school-leaving exams are in three weeks, and procrastination has kept him from studying until now.

Dan sips from his orange juice and tries to hammer facts about the British climate into his head when his phone suddenly chimes up. He checks it. Erin has sent him a simple _hey_ , apparently trying to open a conversation. He doesn’t really want to talk to her, if he’s being honest, so he exits the messaging app, but he doesn’t put his phone away. Dan’s concentration is broken anyway, so he opens the browser and calls up Twitter.

The next thirty minutes are spent in a cycle of replying to AmazingPhil’s tweets and refreshing Twitter. Then, suddenly, a notification pops up at his Twitter account. He’s got a DM. His heart takes a leap. Could it be…?

He checks the notif immediately, hoping for his YouTube crush to finally have noticed him.

But the DM isn’t from Phil.

It’s from his girlfriend. And in this moment, Dan’s heart falls and he starts to suspect that his first real relationship might be over very soon. He is disappointed that he got a message from his girlfriend instead of a guy from the internet that doesn’t even know him, for god’s sake! There has to be something seriously wrong with him.

Guilt makes him open Erin’s DM.

_you know that I follow you on twitter, right? it doesn’t feel great to see that you are ignoring my texts again but reply to every goddamn thing Phil tweets_

The fact that he doesn’t even manage to feel really bad about ignoring his girlfriend for about the tenth time this week confirms his suspicions about his relationship.

_i’m sorry_

_yeah of course you are_  
_I wanted to ask you to come over this weekend_  
_but if I’m being honest, you haven’t been acting like you want to see me_

 _i’m really sorry_  
_i want to see you_  
_can i come over on sunday?_

_if you actually want to, yes_

_i want to_  
_sorry, again, for being a dick recently_

_I appreciate the apology. please tell me if there’s anything wrong. sunday is fine. love you <3_

Dan halts for a moment. Then, he writes

_love you too <3_

but he’s not sure if he still means it.

 

That night, Dan stays up far too late again. He messes with strangers on Omegle and re-watches a few of his favourite Youtube videos. He only goes to bed when he can’t keep his eyes open any longer, but even then, he just can’t fall asleep when he lies down in his bed.

He has to think about Erin. Dan just can’t bring himself to be a good boyfriend to her. They haven’t had any kind of deep conversation in weeks, hell, haven’t even really talked in weeks, and the last time they had sex is already months ago. If he’s being honest, he knows their relationship is irreparably broken, that they probably are in the process of breaking up, but he still clings to the last vestiges of his first real love.

Erin doesn’t deserve being ignored until she breaks up with him, but she didn’t deserve to be with a loser like Dan in the first place, at least that’s what he thinks. She has been nothing but great as a girlfriend. Erin always accepted that Dan has days where he is just unhappy, where the world is grey and he is entirely unable to see anything positive about himself or anyone else. She didn’t freak out or start being weird when he told her that he is bisexual. She has been nothing but supportive since day one, but it wasn’t enough, he has fallen out of love despite it all.

Dan lazily jacks off until he is tired enough to sleep, trying to get keep himself from dwelling on his failing relationships. When he finally starts dreaming, it is almost 4 a.m.

A loud thud against his bedroom door wakes him up the next morning. Dan groans. He feels disoriented and far too tired to function. He wishes he had gone to sleep earlier yesterday.

Outside his room, Adrian shouts at him that he has overslept, in a far too cheery voice. Dan tells him to fuck off and takes a look at his alarm clock. His asshole brother is right. It is half past 8, there is no way he’ll be able to get to school in time.

Lazily, he rolls out of bed. He’s in no hurry, he’s going to be late anyway. He scuffs his feet to the shower, hoping that he’ll feel like a human being when he hops out (Spoiler alert: He doesn’t).

His brother is already finished with breakfast when Dan finally exits the shower curly-haired and wet. This is a new low for Dan’s punctuality. Usually, he’s already left for school when Adrian starts eating.

Both his parents are sitting at the kitchen table, which is also an unusual situation for their older son, who usually takes the bus before they even get up. They look up when Dan enters the room.

“Morning, sleepyhead”, his dad greets him.

Dan returns the greeting mumbling, then he walks to the toaster. He pays no attention at his mum scolding him for ignoring his alarm clock and not hurrying up.

Calmly, he spreads butter on his toast and waits for the old coffee machine to make him a strong black coffee (he needs his caffeine today). By now, his mum has apparently given up on reprimanding him – he won’t listen anyway. Silently he sits down next to his dad reading the newspaper and starts munching on his toast. His parents have started talking about his mum’s business.

Dan knocks back his coffee, stuffs the rest of his breakfast into his mouth and head to his room. He puts on an old MCR shirt from the floor that still smells relatively okay and skinny jeans that are probably far too warm for a day in the middle of May. Then, he swings his backpack over his shoulder and heads off to the bus stop.

He ends up coming half an hour too late for geography, but his teacher is chill, so he doesn’t get more than an eye-roll.

His usual seat neighbour in geography, Steve, seems to be skipping school again, so he sits silently on his own, trying (and failing) to pay attention. ‘Something something climate something something exams’ is all he understands.

Dan gives up and starts drawing little stick figures in his college block. The advantage of being late is that he doesn’t have to wait a long time until the bell finally releases him from the boredom. In seconds he is out of the door and on the way two second-period psychology.

Psych is one of the subjects that would be incredibly interesting in theory, but the teacher still manages to make it boring as fuck. The do nothing but read excerpts from the textbook, which gets old after some time, no matter how interesting the subject matter.

To keep himself from falling asleep, he asks the teacher to be excused to go the toilet, but when he exits the room he turns left instead of right and heads to the school coffee maker instead to get his second cup of the day.

His psychology teacher doesn’t even bat an eye lash when Dan enters the room eleven whole minutes after he left it. The class is still reading from the textbook and Dan immediately wishes he had taken longer at the coffee machine.

Dan spends the rest of the lesson chatting with his friend Seth under the table. Apparently, his friend’s day is going about as well as Dan’s day has been, if not worse. Seth’s parents are getting a divorce and their son is not taking it well. Dan has pity for his situation. While he might not be close to his parents, them separating is a horrible thought.

So, when Seth sits next to Dan during the next period, English Literature, he keeps to himself. Dan accepts it – it’s not like he can get his friend to cheer up anyways – and participates in class for the first time today (Which is not a hard decision. Dan loves English Literature.).

Only when their teacher assigns them a 600-word essay, Seth shows a sign of being alive (by groaning in frustration).

 

By lunch, Seth has apparently remembered how to talk, because he has started to animatedly discuss a video game with his best friend Liam, which painfully reminds Dan of the fact that he has never been anyone’s best friend, has never been the one person someone wants to talk to. Hell, he’s not even his girlfriend’s best friend (which is probably the reason they are on the verge of breaking up, Dan thinks by himself). Apart from the fact that he hasn’t played the game they are talking about yet, Seth and Liam are also completely ignoring him, so he concentrates on his pizza.

Friday is pizza day at his school, which sounds great in theory but is actually horrible, because the kitchen staff seems to haven’t even got _close_ to Italy in their lifetimes. They use so much cheese that you can’t even find the tomato sauce and their toppings are the opposite of fresh.

Dan still manages to choke down a slice and excuses himself from Seth and Liam. He spends the rest of the day alone.

Two periods later, Dan is finally on his way home. The last two hours were quite uneventful, if you ignore the fact that Brian Mason apparently still finds it funny to push people into lockers and scream “faggot” into their faces. Dan’s ear still rings. Brian is seriously the only person in 6th form who still actively bullies people. Most other students are too busy with studying and getting drunk now.

When Dan finally arrives home, he is tired as fuck. He throws himself onto his bed and puts some rap on. He has almost fallen asleep when his little brother enters the room. Dan grumbles, wipes his bleary eyes and looks at Adrian expectantly. Sometimes it is really creepy how much he and Adrian resemble each other.

Adrian, carrying his gecko in his arms for some reason, looks at the messiness that is Dan’s room, until Dan clears his throat.

“What do you want? I was almost asleep”, Dan tells his brother.

“Mum wants you to walk Bangy”, answers Adrian and leaves with his gecko.

Dan rolls his eyes, but he can’t really be annoyed. He loves his dog too much for that.

So, he takes Bangy and leaves the house. He has to admit, the warmth of the sun is nice. He walks Bangy around the neighbourhood, lets him relieve himself and walks him back home when the sun is setting.

After dinner, Dan does what he usually does: He turns on his laptop and stays up far too late because he is doing shit on the internet.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, Dan wakes up very disoriented. Bright sunrays render his bedroom’s walls bright orange. It takes him about twenty minutes until he is ready to leave his bed. Repeatedly staying up until early morning starts taking its toll. When he finally looks at his clock, both hands already point upwards. He puts on a wide shirt that even covers part of his boxers and leaves for the kitchen, hoping he can still score some breakfast.

After almost slipping on his way downstairs, he is so focused on his steps that he doesn’t notice that his grandma is there until he is about a second away from bumping into her. Still, she seems unfazed.

“Good morning – or should I say good noon already?” his grandma laughs.

“Morning!” he says, kissing his gran on the cheek, “Yeah, I stayed up a bit too long yesterday.”

His grandma looks at him in mocking disappointment.

“Daniel, have you been out partying? Or were you with that girl of yours, Erin?”

Great. His grandma thinks he’s got a social life he doesn’t have (and she doesn’t now that Erin probably won’t be “that girl of his” much longer).

From the kitchen, his mother shouts: “No, he’s been on his computer again. Daniel, do you want scrambled eggs?”

“Yeah”, Dan shouts from the living room, ignoring the first half of his mum’s words. Then he turns to his grandma again, who is curiously eyeing him.

“So you’ve been on the internet again! Please, tell your old grandma what you are doing all the time. I have been wondering how your laptop can be so interesting.”

Right now, Dan really has a hard time telling whether or not she is being sarcastic. But when he looks at her closely, he sees some actual curiosity in her eyes.

“I’ve – uh – spend a lot of time on, uh, Twitter. It’s a website where people can post short messages for others to see. Like texting, but more public and without a phone.”

His grandma nods.

“Do you send such messages too?”

Telling his grandma about his replies to Phil seems a bit too personal. Everything concerning Phil seems too personal.

“Uh…Yeah, sometimes – I talk to Erin, for example, or some internet friends. But nothing interesting.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Why are you even asking, grandma?”

“Oh, some of my friends have decided to become tech-savvy elders and they want to make me one too”, she laughs. “I want to know what this is all about.”

Deciding not to tell his grandma more (lest she’d follow him on Twitter or Facebook), Dan just silently munches his eggs.

***

After he has finally devoured his breakfast, Dan goes for a walk with Bangy, his grandmother accompanying him. They walk in silence for a few minutes, until his grandma decides to kick off a conversation with a very heavy question.

“Is everything okay with you and Erin?”

Dan blanks and just looks at her for a moment. Nana looks at him with real concern. Is he really that obvious about how he’s been feeling? Should he tell her about these problems? Goddamn, she is probably the family member he’s closest to. He should be talking to her about it. But he’s too scared. His grandma loves Erin.

“Yes.”

He looks down on the ground. His shadow is getting quite long, it’s getting quite late into the afternoon. Soon, the sun will set and it the air will finally cool off again.

“You used to be better at acting when you still attended theatre class, you know?”

Dan’s eyes find hers with a disbelieving stare.

“Who…why…how do you know?”, he stammers.

“Daniel, I’ve known you for quite some time now. You tend to get quiet when there’s something bothering you, but I look close enough to know that there’s _something_ that’s not okay. So please tell me, what is upsetting you?”

Dan spends a moment internally debating whether he should tell expose himself like that. After all, part of his problem is that he is crushing hard on a _guy_. He should probably leave that part out. Dan’s not ready yet to come out to his grandmother, considering he doesn’t even know what exactly her opinion is on homosexuality (also he’s pretty sure she’s not familiar with bisexuality, and he is in no mood to explain the concept). But still, he can tell her about the other reasons his relationship to Erin is probably doomed.

He starts to talk quietly, concentrating on Bangy, who is still happily trotting in front of them, unfazed by his human’s difficult conversation topic.

 “You know, it’s all a bit much lately”, Dan starts. “With school ending, and all that sh…stuff.” He almost says _shit_ but corrects himself immediately as he remembers his audience.

“And she… Erin already knows exactly what she’s going to do afterwards. She’s got an unconditional from Bristol. And I know I should be happy for her, but it is frankly terrifying how sure she is in her decision-making. While she has started her pack list, I’m still not sure if I’m ready for school to be over. I mean, I didn’t really enjoy most of school, but it was always there and there wasn’t the pressure of ‘doing something sensible’ that is there now.”

He pauses. His grandmother looks at him sympathetically.

“And I’m not even entirely sure if I’ll be able to score the three As I need to get into university on the first try. I don’t even know what I would want to study if I got into university right now. Also we just… I don’t know, got distanced? Like, I’ve stopped being excited about visiting her. I’ve stopped being happy.”

Dan interrupts himself, coming to his senses.

“What am I even talking about? Sorry, grandma, I know I’m a bit too dramatic today. Me and Erin, we are good together. I like her. Why am I even acting like that? Gosh, I’m sorry for overreacting over nothing.”

His grandma shakes her head and looks at him sternly.

“Dan, you aren’t overreacting. Your problems aren’t _nothing_. It is a perfectly valid reason to be upset about change and the unknown future. That is completely normal. Hell, I felt like that when I left school – I had to work right after I dropped out, and oh boy was I scared.”

There it is again, Dan’s disbelieving stare, this time, triggered by his grandma’s use of the word _hell_ in a non-religious sentence.

“Of course you feel conflicted. You are both on the threshold of adulthood, after having spent so many of your teen years together. Both of you have changed, grown, matured since when you were 15, so it is natural that you might get a bit distant. Especially now, with all that finals coming up and the stress. But there might be more going on. You said that you like her. But do you love her?  
You have to ask yourself what you really want. Do you even want to be together with Erin anymore? If yes, then work hard on that relationship and try to accept your differences concerning university.  If not, well then you two have to think about why you are still together. But however you might decide, the Lord watches over you.”

***

In the evening, when Dan is studying again (after hours of procrastination), he is hardly able to concentrate on his textbook. His grandma’s words still swirl through his mind, the open questions in his life pestering him.

Does he want to be together with Erin? Does he even want to go to uni? _What_ exactly does he want, for starters?

When he goes to sleep shortly after midnight, he has already admitted to himself that he’s known the answer to the first question for a long time.

***

_what time should i come over today?_

_whenever you want to, I’m free all day_

_k, how about 11? there’s something we should probably talk about._

_I agree with you on that. 11’s fine, c u_

_see you_

Dan throws his phone back onto the bed and rubs his eyes, sighing. He dreads the conversation he’s going to have in an hour, probably he hardest one he’s ever had. Still, he feels calmer than before now he’s made his decision, which strengthens his belief that it was the right decision.

Ten minutes before eleven, he leaves his house and walks over to Erin’s.

He notices how his brain tries to distract itself from what awaits Dan by noticing every last detail of his surroundings. He notices the cracks in the sidewalk, the mosquitos in the air, the faint whistle of the wind breezing through the leaves of his neighbours’ birch tree.

His steps get slower the closer he gets to Erin’s house, almost as if his feet are waiting for him to turn around and flee the situation. But he isn’t scared of that conversation anymore, at least that’s what he tells himself. So, he gathers himself, walks up the driveway and rings the doorbell. Seconds later, Erin opens him the door, looking as striking as ever, but far more serious than usual.

“Hi”, says Dan and briefly kisses her on the lips, out of habit.

“Hi”, she answers. “My parents aren’t home, so we have the whole house for us today.”

“That’s great”, he tells her, seriously relieved that he doesn’t have to face his girlfriend’s parents, they still make him nervous. Dan puts his shoes off and follows Erin to her room (Even though they have the whole house, they are still creatures of habit, so they go to her room like they always do.).

Erin’s family home is a mansion, seriously. Her bedroom alone is almost as big as Dan’s living room, and Dan’s bedroom is a bit smaller than their kitchen. He used to joke about moving in as a lodger as he would have more space in Erin’s closet than in his cramped room. He can’t joke about that anymore.

Erin props down on her bed and pats the spot next to her, signalling Dan to sit down, which he does. Then, she musters him, still quiet. Dan feels awkward, which is weird, because _he has known her for more than three years_. They’ve spent countless hours in this bed, talking, listening to music, making out and doing…other stuff. It shouldn’t feel strange to sit next to her, but it does, and he can’t help it.

Erin is the one to break the silence.

“I guess we should start to, you know, actually talk about the stuff we’ve been avoiding.”

Dan nods. There is a giant lump in his throat.

“Dan, I want to be completely honest now. I’m going to say some things you might disagree with, but please listen to me. I am not sure if you still love me. I feel like we might have been good together three years ago or even just one year ago, but recently I’ve been under the impression that we are mainly still together because we were too busy to break up. I understand that the last months have been quite stressful, but you avoid seeing me more often than not, and I don’t think that this is rooted in exam stress. You seem more excited about tweeting your favourite YouTubers than about spending time with me. Tell me, Dan, and please be entirely honest, do you still love me?”

He looks into her eyes. Faint tears shimmer in them. She doesn’t expect him to say yes, he thinks.

“I… don’t know, if I’m being entirely honest.”

Erin nods. “I thought so.”

She stares at her bedsheets before looking up and answering him.

“Just so you know, I still love you. But”, she swallows, “I can feel that you don’t feel the same anymore. And I don’t think you should be with someone you don’t love, Dan.”

“I still care about you, I want you to know that. But, and I don’t know why, I seem to have fallen out of love. I feel like we are both developing in completely different directions. Also you’re going to Bristol in autumn, so we’d be long-distance anyway.”

“You could always come to Bristol with me, you know? Study something there, live with me.”

“My offer isn’t unconditional, Erin.”

“You could still try it, Dan.”

“I know.”

They are both silent for a while, sitting next to each other, looking at everything but each other. The warm purple of her bedroom walls has always been calming to Dan, but right now, nothing is calming.

“So are we breaking up?”, Erin breaks the silence quietly.

“I think so”, Dan answers, voice heavy with emotion. “Come here.”

They hug and embrace each other like they will never do it again – which might actually be true. Kissing and holding each other with unparalleled desperation, they are sobbing into each other’s shoulders. Breaking up is for the best, but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

***

“Remember how we almost shagged at Reading Festival?”

“Oh fuck, yes. And the weird guy on ecstasy who crashed into our tent just when we got naked?”

“Holy shit, I almost forgot that part!”, Erin says, laughing.

They’ve moved on from collectively crying and mourning their relationship to reminiscing it.

Erin starts grinning.

“What’s up?”, Dan asks.

“I just remembered how you invited me to the cinema for our second date. And how you only realised you had forgotten your wallet when we were in front of the cashier”, she giggles.

“Oh god”, Dan groans, burying his head in her pillow.

Very suddenly, Erin changes the topic.

“Do you love him?”

Dan slowly heaves his head out of the pillows. “What? Whom?”

“AmazingPhil. Have you got a crush on him? You almost seem like it.”

He debates whether he should be honest, but then he settles on avoiding the question.

“I…don’t know.”

“You don’t seem to be sure about any of your feelings.”

Dan says nothing, and neither does Erin, until Dan’s phone breaks the silence.

“My mum’s calling”, he excuses himself after reading the caller ID. Erin gestures him that it’s okay, so he picks it up.

“Hi, mum”, he says, “what’s up?”

“I’m about to start cooking and I just wanted to check in if you’re going to eat dinner with us.”

Dan considers his options. He and Erin had been having fun, but he thinks staying for dinner would strain her hospitality a bit, especially after the last few sentences they exchanged.

“Yep, I’ll be home.”

“Okay, just so you know, dinner will be ready in about 30 minutes. Have fun.”

“Okay. Bye, mum!”

“Bye!”

He pockets his phone again. Looking at Erin, he says:

“I should head home for dinner in about 20 minutes, just so you know. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, it’s fine. I didn’t realise it was getting so late. My parents should be home soon anyways.”

They spend the rest of their time talking about smaller things, like school or the party Erin attended last weekend. Erin accompanies him to the door. At the threshold, she grabs his shoulder.

“I’d really like to stay friends. But I think I need some time to think first, okay?”

He nods. “Okay.”

Then he turns, walks out the door, but halts when he hears Erin shout his name.

“One last kiss?”, she asks.

“Okay”, he quietly tells her, draws her face towards him and kisses her one final time.

“Goodbye, Erin.”

“Goodbye, Dan.”

***

That evening, as he lays in his bed, watching music videos on YouTube and thinking about nothing in particular, a Twitter notification chimes up from the tab he’s still got open in the background. He checks it. @AmazingPhil has posted again.

Dan grins. Then, he starts drafting a reply.

**Author's Note:**

> please leave a comment! <3
> 
> also visit me on tumblr at [@tinyrivergod](tinyrivergod.tumblr.com)


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